I’m going to hold on

Everything happens for a reason, something I’ve said in many posts, because it is my absolute complete belief.

Some people may have guessed from previous entries that I am suicidal, I know the how, I know the where, I even know what i would put in my last letter. I pretty much have the entire thing planned, even down to the items I would use sitting right next to me.

And over the last two months my bad thoughts have been over whelming, almost everyday I would sit and think, ‘is this the day I kill myself’.

But I’ve noticed, that over the last month, I’ve been too distracted to think about killing myself.

Friends have suddenly come out of the woodwork and are inviting me out every weekend, hanging out with me during the week, inviting me out dancing with them. They are making long term plans that I am really looking forward too, like, sometime in the next month my friend Kali wants to take a trip to Sydney and visit Luna Park, but we don’t have an exact date, so I need to wait for that, then at the end of May another friend is having a murder mystery party at my house which I am really looking forward to. I’m even planning a visit to my dad sometime at the end of the year (the distant father, we’re talking again and I’m loving it :])
Long term plans that I don’t want to miss, which means I can’t kill myself.

Like I said, everything happens for a reason, what if all these plans mean that I shouldn’t kill myself, after all, why give me something to look forward to in the near future if my death is my only purpose.

All I can say to whatever god exists and is helping me now, is thankyou 🙂

Memories of that day

So I think I’ve mentioned in a previous post or two that I was molested by my stepfather when I was about 7 or 8.

Well tonight while talking to my aunt, my mum brought up her version of the events of that day, I’ll just give you a run down of the events as I remember them.

It was about 11:20pm and I woke up for some reason, and in the dark I saw my step dad Ben in my doorway, as a child I had this habit of pretending to be asleep when my parents were in the room to see what they’d do, and that night was no different, I didn’t let Ben know I was awake and closed my eyes.

He came over to my bed, felt around my body, slipped his hand under my pants quickly and as he went out of the room he said goodnight Jenni, being a kid I had no idea what the heck he was doing so I went right to sleep.

The next morning I thought I had dreamed it so I went around to all my siblings and asked if they had been in my room the previous night touching me, and when my mum saw Ben’s face when I asked him mum knew immediately what he had done.

Now here are some events I didn’t know happened that day.

Mum was in shock, she dropped us 5 kids off at school and she drove to work and spent most of the morning thinking over what she knew had happened, eventually she left work and called her therapist.

Now see, my mum only went to see this woman because she had previously suspected that Ben was molesting my older sister Mel, but she also thought, because of certain family history, that she was imagining all the signs, and this woman, this therapist, talked my mother out of reporting Ben to the police, she told my mum that her instincts were wrong.

So on this day, my mum called her therapist and told her she really needed to see her, and then went to her office, and apparently, when mum got there, she went off her head at this woman, screaming at her, I did’t get exact details, but according to mum, this woman wasn’t even regretful, she just called the police on mum and didn’t show any signs of being sorry, apparently this was the last time mum ever saw this woman, understandably.

I don’t remember many events after this really, I do remember mum talking my sister and I to the police station, I think she took us out of school, me still not understanding why we were there, mum went into a room and talked to two officers while Mel and I played in a kids area, I think Mel was trying to tell me Ben was in trouble, she is 3&1/2 years older than me so understood why we were there, I think mum told her before they got me, I still didn’t get it despite being about 7/8.

I remember just plying on the town patterned play mat and playing with all the toys, Mel got called in after mum while I continued playing.

And then it was my turn, I was taken into this office, and the two officers, a man and a woman, sat in front of me on chairs while I sat on the two seater couch. I was asked what happened that previous night and told them everything, from the time on the clock to where he touched, I remember being embarrassed telling them Ben went down my pants.

I think Ben was arrested that afternoon, I know he spent a night in jail. Apparently though, he blamed mum for him being in jail, he molested me, and blamed mum that he got arrested, like, seriously??!!?

So yeah, as the years go on, I discover more and more facts about that day. I don’t know whether I want to know more though..

Begging for Work

Now, I like to think that I have some pride, I don’t like to ask or beg for things, partly because of pride, but mostly because I always feel like I’m annoying people.

So today I went into work to check my roster on the off chance that maybe I’ve been given shifts.

Here’s my current circumstance, I pay my mum $150 a fortnight, when I got my pay today, I couldn’t even afford that.

So I’m desperate for shifts, so into work I go, no change to my roster. So I head upstairs to talk to Brenda, who is in charge of rosters at my work, she decides if you work or not.

And of course she is busy in an important meeting, so I write her a note for her to read after she is done with her meeting.

And pretty much, I am begging for more shifts, apologizing for my weak ankles/feet, and apologizing for being so annoying and asking for more shifts.

And just when I get home, my mobile rings, it’s work, and as I press the answer button they hang up on me..

So now I’m afraid what’s going to happen when I go into work on Saturday, I hate annoying people, and when I ask for something, I avoid that person as long as I can because I’m so embarrassed.

But I need work, I am desperate, and sitting at home doing nothing but thinking suicidal thoughts is not helping me any..

I was doing so well…

So, as the title suggests, something went wrong today.

It was a day like all the others, I sat at home, waiting, reading, waiting some more. What I was waiting for was a shift at work, I was scheduled to work 5-9 tonight, to do stock take with almost all the other team members, nothing exhausting, just counting, for hours.

I was in an aisle with two other girls about my age who I get along with. For the next couple of hours we chatted in between counting.

About 2 hours in a ‘friend’ of mine, Michael, was sent to our aisle to start counting as well, we all continued chatting, trying not to loose our count. When he turns to one of the girls, asks her age, she answers 18, and this is where it went wrong.

See, as far as I was aware, Michael liked me, he liked to hang out around me and enjoyed my company, and he also knew how left out of things I was, so he tried to include me where he could.

But not tonight, so after asking her age, he invites her to go to a local club with a bunch of the other 18-22 or so year old’s who work at our store, including another of my so called best friends Bec, right in front of me, I was OK with this, assuming that my friend would want me to come along and invite me as well..

No dice, he dropped the conversation when soon after and left our aisle, without inviting me.

So 9:10 comes, and I head outside to meet my mum who was picking me up, and I see all these people I work with, gathering around one of their cars ready to leave, this is where I see Bec was included in the invite, despite her saying on multiple occasions that she isn’t often invited to these sorts of things a lot, something we bond over.

And I’m reminded of similar situations, where I was invited by these people to go out, I was told the location and time, and when I turned up, no one was there, and no one was replying to my messages, I waited for half an hour before giving up and going home.

I guess tonight they thought it would be easier to just not invite me.

Another instance of this happening was when I was 16, I was at CIT in the lounge with a bunch of my ‘friends’ and right in front of me, they were inviting and talking about going mini golfing together, and not a single word, look or invite was sent my way, despite being right in front of them.

No matter how often the people at work go out, I am never invited, and it really hurts, no one my age at my work wants to be around me willingly, and as much as the older people enjoy my company, they aren’t my friends, I need friends my own age, but they all won’t be around me, I don’t know if to them I’m just invisible or if they all just don’t like me..

So here I am, 10:20 at night, crying in front of my computer, cutting bloody lines and the word ‘why’ into my upper leg, and wondering what is it about me that people don’t want to be around.

Everyone always says how nice I am, how fun I am to be around, how much I mean to them and how much I comfort them, these words are then followed up by not talking or seeing me, at all.

I don’t know what is wrong with me, and it is getting harder to handle all the rejection..

Strip Cards and Scars

So last night I was at a friends game night, we go to her house and play board games, twister and card games. It was after midnight and there was only myself, Bec (the host) and our friend Ryan, and Ryan is a well known flirt and, when he wants to be, male slut, but in the best of ways, I haven’t met a douche-bag who is so nice as him, as weird as that sounds, but it’s true, he is one of my sweetest friends.

So being Ryan, he suggested we play Cards Against Humanity, our favourite game, and then he suggested that every time a wild card won the round, the Card Czar would have to take off a piece of clothing.

We laughed at him, but eventually agreed to strip CAH. I was pretty confident, I was wearing the most clothing out of everyone, Ryan had on a shirt and pants, Bec had a shirt, bra, pants, and got away with using a necklace as a piece of clothing, and personally I had; jeans, shirt, tank top, thigh-waist shape-wear, socks and a bra. We weren’t including undies, if you picked a wild card when you were down to just your undies you lost the game.

Eventually Ryan was down to his pants, Bec was down to her bra, and I still had the shape-wear and my bra, and I picked a wild card, and I froze, briefly, because I remembered that I had rather badly self-harmed on my mid thigh, and my friends, despite knowing I have had a bad time recently, did not know I self-harmed, I don’t think they even think me capable of it.

So before removing my final protection I asked for a pillow, claiming that I wasn’t comfortable with my stomach, somewhat true, and pretty much held that pillow on my leg until the game was over, Bec lost with clothes, I won with cards, and Ryan won with clothes but lost with cards.

Overall it was a fun night, but I got to remember to be more careful, the whole reason I cut on my leg is that nobody ever sees it.

Sometimes I think my mum is a minor alcoholic

So I don’t think this often, only when she drinks a lot, which contradictory, happens a lot now that I think of it.

My mum, as I think I’ve mentioned in a previous post or two, she gets this attitude, where she is obviously angry, but turns it on you so it’s your fault and makes that she isn’t angry, and says so in such a way.

And when she drinks, the attitude gets worse. So, she just called me downstairs to the backyard, where in our pond, a burst of water is continually pumping into the pond, but it’s not part of the design, so something had obviously gone wrong. I’m completely clueless why she is showing me this, it’s her pond and I have no idea what’s going on.

So we go around to the back of the pond, all the while she is saying in condescending tone, that when weird things happen around the pond, that we investigate.

So we go around, and of course it is 10:15pm at night so it’s almost completely dark behind the pond, so I still have no idea why she is showing me all this.

And, still in her drunken condescending tone, she tells me it’s likely a pipe is blocked and it has probably burst, and I’m like, ‘ok…’ still really confused why she is telling me all this. And so she goes on to tell me, that if something like this is happening to the pond I have to go over to the garage window and unplug the pond pump.

And at this point I can feel bugs crawling on my legs, it is late at night and I am in nothing but a baggy ripped shirt in the middle of summer, so mosquitoes are everywhere, ants are all over my feet and god knows what else, so I am feeling really uncomfortable and am slapping and moving my legs trying to get them all off.

Mum, in her drunken state, is thinking that I am ignoring her, despite me listening to everything she is saying, is getting more and more annoyed at me, and starts stumbling back to the house angrily, saying how I can’t keep acting like a child, and starts asking ‘what day is your birthday, how far away is that, how many days away, how old are you turning’, and I’m trying really hard not to get outwardly annoyed, because that always makes her angrier, but to not get annoyed I have to stay quiet, which also annoys her.

And she gets like this every time she drinks, which seems to be more and more often.